"Dear Diary..." 08/02/2021
"Dear diary" is a series i created to show what it's like living with mental illness of a daily basis. We aren't constantly thinking about ways to undead ourselves but we can also be prone to overthinking (and in my cause mindless rambling). I wanted to share my own personal experience to let you know you aren't alone if you're feeling all these things and to also create a space where people feel safe to share their own extracts. If you need somewhere to write out your thoughts and feelings, just create an account and add a blog post. You'll find that a lot of people can probably relate and you aren't in this yourself. So here's some extracts from my actual journal. Welcome to my madness, i apologise in advance.
Summary: It feels like i'm surviving instead of living and i'm constantly waiting for some big adventure that's never going to come.
I feel like a failure a lot of the time, whether it's work or life the feeling is always there; Even though i know deep down i'm good at at least one of my jobs but my brain won't let me enjoy that. Why do i always doubt myself so much and feel the need to skip to the 'successful' part of life, if that part even exists. I'd be so much more content if i just knew i'd get there one day, but that's not how life works is it. We can't always see what our future consists of and people say that's part of the adventure but i feel like my adventure is more like a shit budget film that got rejected at the pitch instead of something like harry potter. I always just feel like there's more. Like i should be doing more and achieving more and just overall being more. But i'm not and i can't.
I feel like i'm playing a waiting game. I'm waiting for things to start happening but i don't know what to do to get them to... start happening. I didn't get my hogwarts letter and i never found a mysterious gold ring that turned me invisible. So how did i trigger my life beginning because right now i feel like wasted space on a floating rock.
It seems like everyone else is so much further along than is am. People are moving in together and having babies and finishing degrees and thriving. And i know they say that you start living later when you have mental illness because you spent so many years just surviving. Which don't get me wrong when i first heard that it was like a lightbulb moment and i realised why i always felt so behind. But when people talking about living instead of surviving they talk as if everything just clicks into place, as if they found that golden ring and boom their adventure started. So why do i feel like i'm constantly flicking between the two states. Some days i'm up and i'm sending orders and editing videos and i'm like yep i'm living, i'm doing what i want to do and blah blah and then the same afternoon i'm writing shit like this. i'm sick of just surviving the days.
Is there such thing as a hero complex (maybe i should actually google that) because i think i might have that. I grew up reading fantasy books, and i always thought one day a wizard would whisk me away to great adventures. In all these books the hero's didn't know they were hero's, like Neville from harry potter or Alec from the mortal instruments, but they were still in that world and had adventures. What do you do when the only adventures you have are inside your head or written on a page. I don't have a wand or a sword or a bow; and i'm definitely not funny enough to be the sassy side kick. So what am i, what do i do? Maybe i should pick up sword fighting.
I feel like i'm missing something, and maybe it's because i've been sat in the house for 11 months picking up a billion different hobbies to try keep my stupid brain distracted. Or maybe it's just feeling like i don't belong, anywhere. That i somehow belong in a book world that doesn't even fucking exist, gods damn it.
Living so much in your own head can get lonely, especially when you don't like your own brain. Maybe if i just keep surviving, the living part of my life will start. and until that day, at least i have my books to keep me company. wow that sounds sad.