"Dear Diary..." 29/01/2021
"Dear diary" is a series i created to show what it's like living with mental illness of a daily basis. We aren't constantly thinking about ways to undead ourselves but we can also be prone to overthinking (and in my cause mindless rambling). I wanted to share my own personal experience to let you know you aren't alone if you're feeling all these things and to also create a space where people feel safe to share their own extracts. If you need somewhere to write out your thoughts and feelings, just create an account and add a blog post. You'll find that a lot of people can probably relate and you aren't in this yourself. So here's some extracts from my actual journal. Welcome to my madness, i apologise in advance.
Summary: Lockdown and depression can be similar in the sense you're always taking in the same stimuli. Lockdowns also made me super super anxious and I feel like I'm going to combust sometimes.
Everywhere i look i'm seeing LOCKDOWN splattered everywhere. From tips (this might be a fuck you to my own blog) to general shitty news. and every time i can't even begin to describe how much it's fucked me up. I feel completely out of sorts. How do the "i was born to work" people do this ALL THE TIME. I go to work and come home to sleep to go to work again, and works the only distraction i have so i've actually picked up MORE. Wait i kind of understand it a little now. My whole life is work and sleep. I'm trying to distract myself with my other work (hello heads up hopes up) but every time i do theres a little voice telling me nothing i do ever matters and just to give up. Every day i fight it. But lockdowns caused everyone to slip into a sadness pit so it's not like i can just text someone and be like "hey lockdowns shit, i want to die half the time and i feel like a failure and no one believes in me" because everyone's just like HEY SAME. We're all sad, so fucking sad and there's literally nothing any of us can do to make it better.
I read somewhere last week that the reason some of us are struggling so much with the lockdowns is because we're taking in the same stimuli constantly and we never take in any information, so our brains just repeating the same stimuli and thoughts. And it made me think it's a lot like the negative thoughts that my brain constantly repeats. If I constantly think the same thoughts over and over then its going to start affecting me and I'm going to believe what my brains telling me. If there's nothing to challenge my thoughts then I'm just going to let them keep playing on a loop. But nobodies going to come in to save me so I'm going to have to be the one to challenge my own thoughts. Sounds easier than it is. But I think that's what recover is about, challenging yourself to do better, to experience more and to break the loop. I'm trying to break the cycle. My depression can get boring and tiresome for me and those around me, maybe I'm on a loop like my negative thoughts. Do I constantly repeat myself?
and i think i've been stuck in the house so long i've forgotten how to socialise, not that i was ever very good at socialising to begin with. I've forgotten how to speak to anyone, i stumble over my words at literally every sentence (i re-recorded a voicemail FOUR times today because i couldn't get 6 digits in the right order for the phone number) and my mind is constantly sounding alarm bells. Someone said hello to me and i said "good thanks, you?" WHY, pls brain tell me why you made those words come out of my mouth. I honestly believe when this is over and we actually get let out again, i think i'll have to stay in because i'm too anxious to leave my bed. and i wish that was an exaggeration. I played mario kart while craig had a conversation a few months ago because i was too anxious to talk and mario kart meant distraction, i felt like a child.
I want to create, i want to put myself out there and help people and remind everyone they aren't alone. But how am i supposed to make a difference in this world when some days i can't even get out of bed? We're always taught you can do whatever you put your mind to, but what if my mind my biggest bully and my biggest fear? What if nobody likes the things i create? What if i fail at everything i set out to do? WHAT IF I NEVER FIND SOCKS I LIKE TO PRINT ON, i don't know how to make socks.
i'm stumbling through life in the dark, i might as well be in Daedalus' labyrinth trying to find my way to the centre. Every turn i take feels like the wrong one and every room i go in isn't home. Where is home supposed to be when your mind is the one fighting you?
Man i'm going to need therapy when this is over, i mean i already need it but i probably need extra (is extra therapy a thing?). Super therapy to the rescue, sounds like the superhero we all need. Signing off for the night, maybe super therapy will save me in my dreams, be back tomorrow diary.
Maybe not, i feel like i should make my writing more interesting. Like in kids books when they're writings in different sizes and fonts and colours. Why don't be write like that as adults? it'd make business emails so much more interesting. Like those rat books i used to read as a child, the ones where it would be like CHEEEESEEEE maybe i should write HELPPPPP like that and super therapy will come to the rescue. Was it a rat or a mouse? Wasn't he a detective or something? brb. He was a mouse journalist called Geronimo Stilton, thanks google. I can rest easy now, if i don't get sleep paralysis. Wait, What if it's geronimo stilton trying to set my curtain on fire.